Hey Friends,
How have you all been the past week? I hope you’re all well, healing, and living a life you want to live. How have I been? Honestly, I haven’t been that well. I was really hesitant to write a blog today. Part of me wants to write/post consistently. Part of me knows that I need to post consistently if I want blogging and social media to be a major part of my career. The other part of me does not want this to be a blog about anything sad or depressing. But lately, that is all I really know. By and large, my life is sad and depressing right now. That is not something I am proud of, that is not something I think anybody really wants to read or know about, and it’s certainly not something I want to share. But this is my lifestyle blog, and this my current state. Please bear with me as I navigate this time in my life because I am struggling.
After I posted last week’s blog, I spiraled. That was my longest post so far, and it was also the most personal. That culmination post almost, in a way, backfired. The first two posts regarding depression and my experiences with it, provided a sense of relief. I was able to release heavily pent up emotions and thoughts. That release lead to a feeling of freedom and almost belonging. I started to connect to people on a deeper level. That did not happen after last week’s post. That was such a raw telling of my experiences and emotions that after it was posted, I felt like a wounded a animal. I was scared and I was feral.
To add to that, someone I deeply love and value told me something about my posts that really triggered me. In those three posts about the suicide/depression, I claimed to be writing about how I feel. But truthfully, I actually do not write much about my feelings. I write much more about what I have been through and how I felt during those times. Now, I was very well aware of this. And I assumed that anybody that reads my blog, would have picked up on that as well. I wrote, in depth, of past experiences. I would then wrap up the posts very briefly talking about how I currently feel. The reason for that is simple enough. I’ve never been the kind of person that just feels things in the moment. I react to things in the moment, but my feelings are much more deeply rooted. In many ways, my feelings are heavily tied into things I went through in the past. Therefore, for anyone, myself included, to understand or even explain how I feel, you have to know what lead to my current state of emotions. If you don’t know what lead to it, then what is happening now has no sense or base. And what is the point of just talking about how I feel now if there is no reference or reason for it? Sharing how I feel does not necessarily help me. But sharing why I feel it, that does help. If you want to know how I am feeling today, ask me what happened and how I felt a week ago. You’ll get a much better understanding how I’m really doing today. Talking about my past is also talking about my feelings. It may not make much sense, but that’s just how it works for me.
Now, when this person said that about my posts, I really questioned myself and what I’m doing. If I truly value you in my life, your opinion of what I say/do really does weigh heavily on me. While that person’s criticism was valid, I felt attacked. A huge reason for that was because of my wounded, feral animal state of being. I also felt like an idiot. I questioned why I thought or felt it was okay to write about such trauma. That person knows me so well, sooo well, for them to make a “point” like that felt really unnecessary. They know how I express myself, they understand my way of thinking, feeling, and my pain.. Or least they should. For them to say that about my posts felt like a direct jab not just at my writing, but at my heart. Last week’s post and that comment set the tone for the whole week. Including right now. But, to that person, I am sorry for how I reacted. I really do value your opinion, and you had every right to say/make that observation. I was not in a place that could handle that comment, and I am sorry for how I handled the situation.
Also, today marks five months since the breakup. To say that I am lost and defeated would be an understatement. I have no idea what I am doing. Yes, I did go to real estate school. Yes, I am currently studying for my personal trainer certification. Yes, I have two big exams coming up. And yes, in many ways, I do have a major sense of direction for my life. Career wise, lifestyle wise, I know exactly what I want, and I have a decent plan/idea on how to get it. I have goals and ambitions. I even know what my purpose in life is (something I will write about in a future post). It’s like I have the map and GPS up and running. But my own inner compass is broken. I gave so much of myself, and my future to someone, and that life I envisioned and fell in love with is just no longer there. I’m not saying I expected to be healed and better five months later. But I did hope that I wouldn’t still be feeling so crippled.
Truthfully, I don’t know what to do. I have no idea how I am supposed to wake up and start to feel any sense of excitement, peace…even love. Don’t get me wrong, I love learning more about the things that I am creating my career around. I still love it when the opening credits or theme song starts for my favorite films. I still find joy in things. I’m currently obsessed with, “Loco Contigo”, “Otra Vez”, “Killer Queen” and “3 to Tango”. The pure excitement I feel when those songs come on are undeniable. I enjoy going into work (most days). I love the kids at my job, they warm whats left of my broken heart. And I’m still so thankful to really like and get along with my coworkers. All of those little things are what’s saving my life. But when the movies are over, when the songs end, and when I leave to go home at the end of the day, the void takes over. I am left with nothing.
It dawned on me the other night, when I was lost in the abyss, that I need to learn to love myself. Hell, most days I need to learn to like myself. The reason being is that since my relationship ended, my sense of self worth has depleted. I think anybody that has ever had their heart broken in a breakup can relate to that. Someone fell in love with me, and then fell out of love with me. I went from being somebody’s hero to being their poison. I know that was dramatic, but is it any less true? Not to mention, I was kept a secret. Adding all of that up has made me resent myself, and made me feel like a lost cause. I like to think that is how therapy could help me. I have been thinking a lot about what I want and need to get out of going to therapy. I’m all over the place with my answers. But ultimately, I believe the goal would be learning how to not just love myself, but how to fall in love with myself. It’s ridiculous to think that I would need the help of a stranger to do that, but I believe I do. Because in my 32 years of life, I have not figured this out on my own.
The last thing I googled today, was how to fall in love with yourself. The results were kind of standard, and things that I expected to see/read. And I can start there. I can start with writing down my accomplishments. I can come up with a daily routine, I can eat healthier and exercise. I can meditate ( I did recently download Headspace), and I can try and travel more. But I need more than that. I need the tools on how to even do any of those things. That sounds so pathetic, but that’s the truth. I am my own worst enemy at times. I self sabotage daily, sometimes hourly. I need help in understanding how and why I ruin myself and my potential so often.
The good thing is now that I have a better understanding and goal of what I want to get out of therapy, I feel a bit more ready in taking the first steps towards actually making an appointment. One of the benefits at my job is that they will actually help me find a therapist that specializes in what I want/need. I feel a bit more comfortable now making that phone call for help. I really hope that the first major step towards real healing is going to be finding the right therapist.
Because I need to learn how to fall in love…with me.
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