Hey Friends,
It’s been a while since I’ve posted any kind of update about my life. That’s been intentional. In my last post, I wrote about falling in love with yourself, how I was going to start that process. I wrote extensively about starting therapy and my goals with that. The disappointing truth is that I haven’t started therapy yet. And on top of that, I was hit with some really difficult obstacles a couple of months ago. Those obstacles sent me down a really dark path. A path that I’m all too familiar with. A path that leads to the end of life. I want to add that I have attempted to see therapists on three different occasions. For whatever reasons, those attempts failed. I haven’t started therapy, but I have tried. I have picked up the phone, I even called hotlines. Again, I have tried. Without any help, somehow I am still here. Somehow, I am still fighting.
Now on to what I want to talk about in this post. Yesterday, my mother and I went to visit her aunt (my great aunt) and my grandmother. My great aunt turned 90 last month, and my grandmother is in her late 80’s. Each of them has their share of health issues, either mentally or physically – or a combination of both. I had not seen either of them in over two years. That is ridiculous, I feel incredibly guilty, and there is no excuse for it.
My mother’s side of the family hails from Cuba. While my great aunt and grandmother understand and speak English pretty well, sometimes it is still hard to have conversations with them. For most of my life, it was a bit hard because I couldn’t understand them with their thick accents. Also, for most of my life, I didn’t see them much. We used to spend every New Year’s with them. My mother and I would visit them every few months for a few hours when I was little, and that was about it. By and large, I do not know them and they do not really know me. But I can say there is true love and respect. There always will be.
Sitting with my mother, grandmother and great aunt yesterday was…interesting. I did not say much for most of the afternoon. Neither did my great-aunt. Which wasn’t too unusual for her. She never married or had children. When I was growing up, most of the times I saw her, she would kind of sit on her own and observe me and my cousins. It wasn’t sad or anything like that. Actually, she would sit there and beam with love and pride for all of us. It was her choice to not marry and have kids. In many ways, my mother and her siblings were her children. Not by blood, but by love.
My mother and grandmother did 90% of the talking yesterday. I’m always amazed at how sharp my grandmother’s memory and wit is at her age. Her mother, my great grandmother, and her sister, my great aunt that we visited yesterday, suffer(ed) from Alzheimer’s. But thankfully, there is no trace of that with my grandmother. Her and my mother spoke extensively about funny things that happened when my mom and her siblings were younger, they spoke a lot about cooking, and they spoke a lot about health issues. And after five paragraphs, I am now getting to what I wanted to talk about in this post. I swear, one day I’ll learn how to get to the point much faster for you guys.
Old people typically have health issues. To some degree or another. That’s just life. Listening to the laundry list of ailments my grandmother, and my great aunt have was somewhat expected. But what wasn’t expected was also hearing about my mothers health issues. She talked about things yesterday that I didn’t know about. How could I not know about what is going on with my own mother? I live with her, how could I not know? How could she not tell me? My aunt showed up while we were there. I have not seen my aunt in over a year, and I haven’t really talked to her during much of that time either. In fact, I don’t talk to that side of my family much at all anymore. Something I’ll write about another time. But she too started sharing some of her health issues. Things I had no idea about. And while they were all talking about their health and what’s coming up for them, I was left with this feeling of selfishness.
How selfish and self absorbed have I been to not know about what my mother (and aunt) have been dealing with? I’m not saying that I should be ignoring my pain. I shouldn’t be. I also should be focused on my journey of healing and self love. But, where is my balance? Have I have been too focused on myself to not know what is going on with someone I love so deeply? The answer is yes.
Yesterday really put some things in perspective for me. I realized that because I am so wrapped up in what is going on in my life and head, I’ve lost sight of the fact that I am not the only one going through things. I’m not saying I needed yesterday to know or realize that. Living with depression, I know better than most that we all have our battles going on that we’re fighting. But to not know things about my mother? That is unacceptable. That means that I have to step outside myself, frequently, to check in on her. On others. I get so hurt and angry at others for not checking in on me, but I’m just as absent as them. I have not been checking in on (some people) either.
I guess I’m going to wrap up this post with the simple message to never stop checking in on those around you, on those you love. While it is so important to take care of yourself, its also important to check in and take care of others. If you can. I’m not really able to take care of anyone at the moment, but I can check in. I can show that I care. I can step outside of myself and help others with what is left of my broken heart and attention. I can be more present with people. And from what I saw and felt yesterday, I am wanted in at least a few people’s lives. My great aunt and grandmother were just as happy to see me yesterday as I was to see them. That felt really good. I’m going to keep that feeling going and I’m going to make more time for others. Self care does not mean being self absorbed or selfish.
Until next friends, keep taking care of yourselves – and don’t forget to check in on those around you.
oaknmetal.com 