Hey Friends,
It’s been a minute! I hope you are all doing well. I had decided to take a break from writing about my life. I was going through some really painful emotions and thoughts and I didn’t feel it was appropriate to share it all as it was happening. It was too real and too raw. And, who wants to continually write (or read) about such pain? I also did not want to potentially complicate a situation my mother and I were facing. I decided to wait until more light and positivity entered my life. I deserve that, and so do all of you that have continued to read and support me. I’m not going to say that I have experienced a huge wave of change and things are immensely better. I can’t say that. But I can say that things are slightly better since I last wrote about my life four months ago. Days aren’t feeling like heavy voids and nights are feeling less empty and lonely. I’m getting better at speaking positively to myself. I’m improving at coming up with plans and feeling excited and determined to achieve goals. But it is a long process. And some days everything comes crashing down. One day I can feel like I’m living, and the very next day I’m drowning again. I’ve accepted that the real road to healing is full of ups and downs.
Side note: I have never actually used the expression, “it’s been a minute!” I never understood it. It can be used to describe a short AND long period of time. Right? I mean I’ve always heard people use it that way. I have resisted using this phrase ever since I first heard it, which was probably at the beginning of the decade. But I guess if I’m going to use it for the first time, might as well do it ten years later, and might as well do it publicly š
So lets talk 2019. It nutshell, it fucked me up. I started the year with such hope that the things that were not working could some how still work out. I was still holding on so tightly to a reality that simply didn’t exist anymore. I still struggle with that. I still relapse into hoping and working for something that is no longer real, something that doesn’t want me. But, I do that less and less. I have made many strides towards letting go and being okay with such painful losses. Yes, I am referring to the loss of my relationship. I realized so much of my identity was tied up with my relationship and ex that to say I was lost without it would be the understatement of the year. I lost who I was. I’m still in the process of finding out who I am without her and the relationship. I wasn’t exactly happy with myself prior to the relationship ending. But with all my value intertwined with that relationship, without it, my self worth and perception was literally rubble. Rediscovery and rebuilding has not been easy. But here I am, doing it.
Part of that rediscovery and rebuilding has been spending a lot of time with and by myself. That wasn’t planned. I have been fortunate enough to have a few (and I do mean a few) people that have continued to check in on me and have tried to be a support system (thank you Armee, Jan, Ana, Jessenia, and you Jasmine š ). I cannot thank them enough. But my closest friends and my family have been largely absent. I have had to go through this alone. I’m not upset or bitter about it. I don’t blame them. I isolated myself quite a lot the last two years. I was not a good friend to those that considered me their friend. To expect them to be there for me during this time was unrealistic on multiple levels. Not to mention, they all have their own battles going on. Battles that I probably was not there to support them through. That being said, I went through this by myself, and I’ll never forget that.
To follow through with that, because I was feeling so low and alone, particularly when my mother and I were in a very scary situation, I turned to God. He has always been a part of my daily life. I am not a religious person. I never will be. I haven’t always been spiritual. But I have always, in some degree, had a relationship with God. When things were really dark, when I called the hotline and could barely speak on the phone, that night I prayed harder than I have in years. I turned it all over to Him. I’m forever grateful that I did. At the time, I did not know if things would work out the way I prayed for them too, but the weight did get lighter. It was out of my hands, and in the hands of a power and strength that could handle it. If there is one thing I am very thankful for this year, it is opening my heart to Him in a way I had not done in years. And I need to continue doing that and working on myself for Him. He saved me.
I started to take care of my health. A bit. Because I actually have health insurance this year, I went to my doctor for a physical for the first time in four years. Thankfully, I’m healthy. Physically that is. She did prescribe me anti depressants after I filled out a survey…yeah…
Back to physically being healthy. That is a bit of a stretch. I’ve never written about a condition that I have been facing for half my life. But it is something I will address soon in upcoming posts. But just keep you in the know, I have been dealing with recurring erythema nodosum since I was 16 years old. It is described as ” a type of skin inflammation that is located in a part of the fatty layer of skin…Symptoms include flat, firm, hot, red, and painful lumps that usually appear on the shins. Later, they may fade and look more like a bruise and then resolve on their own.” Yes, I copied and pasted that from a quick google search. It did succinctly sum up what I live with. I get outbreaks probably twice a year, sometimes they do go away on their own. But it can take months. And in that time, my legs are in constant pain, the red lumps are big and often turn to bruises – that do not go away (hence why I hardly ever wear shorts). When the pain turns severe, I drag myself to a doctor (usually Urgent Care) and get a prescription of prednisone. I’ll take a lot of those, and they go away for a few months. I had an outbreak earlier this year, and this one didn’t let up despite the medication. Because of that, I finally made an appointment with a rheumatologist. Which lead nowhere, just more money I had to dish out because I hadn’t reached my deductible. I’m currently still taking prednisone every day and I’m in the process of finding a different specialist to go to (I’m open to suggestions guys). For the record, I hate taking medication. I do not like putting anything in my body or my system. Being dependent on a steroid just to function and not feel pain is killing me.
While still on the topic of health, I finally went to a chiropractor! Not much to say about that. The doctor I see takes a much more muscle skeletal approach. Meaning he doesn’t focus too much on cracking, but also massaging muscles. I was in pain after my first two visits. The last time I went though – was pure magic. The cracks hit all the right spots, and I can’t wait to see him next week.
Also, I’ve started therapy. That was such a fucking process. I had called at least four different psychologists, not to mention a hotline, and only one doctor ever got back to me. And when she did, she didn’t exactly try very hard to see me or work with my schedule. I hung up the phone feeling very defeated and very frustrated. It got to the point where I was about to commit myself to a psych ward just so I could get help. It was that extreme. And it should never be that extreme. Thankfully, I have a very good relationship with my director at work who has been moderately aware of my mental health struggles this year. She was willing to work with me so I could get help. I called that therapist back, and after a bit of waiting, I was able to set an appointment with her. What I like about her is that she asks me questions not necessarily to get me to express my emotions/thoughts – but to control how I react to them. Right now, that is just what I need. I’ve done enough expressing, enough crying and I’ve had enough outbursts. She asks the right questions, and she asks them firmly. She’s not tender and doesn’t pretend to be. Which I am thankful for. I’m not looking for someone to coddle me, I am looking for someone to help me. I asked her at the end of our first session if she thought I could benefit from therapy. Which was an odd question to ask, because the answer was clearly yes. I know I need help. I wanted to know her answer to see if she was paying to attention to me, or just going through the motions. Her reply was yes, “I do think you would be a good candidate for therapy. Because you seem to have a lot of insight, and you have goals in mind. You’re self aware and honest with yourself, and you seem like you’re going to put in the work.” Her answer solidified that I made the right choice in calling her back.
What else has occurred in 2019? I did finish real estate school. I still have to pass the state exam for my real estate license. I took it once and missed it by five points. Which I’ve heard is pretty good considering most have to take the exam 4-5 times before they pass. I also hadn’t studied when I took the exam, and I waited 6 months before I took it. I could be proud that I only missed by five points. But seriously, what are five points? That is a full nights rest. That’s eating an actual breakfast. It’s having a cup of (iced) coffee. None of which I had prior to the exam. I clearly know the material, I just need to physically take care of myself. I’m scheduling another test date for January – and I have every intention of prepping myself accordingly so that I can succeed.
I did not take my personal trainer exam. I completely failed on that end. Thinking about when I want to take the exam and how to best set myself up for success – I’m going to focus on it now, and take the test summer 2020. I do not want to rush this process. I care so deeply about health and helping others that I need to really dedicate myself to the information and make sure I can help others (and myself) live their best (physical) lives. I will do this next year. And I’m genuinely excited to do it.
What else can I say about 2019? What can I say about this decade? Honestly, it’s been full of pain and destruction. Seriously, 2009 started really painfully for me. I had a devastating fight with my cousin towards the end of 2008, and I spent a lot of 2009 away from my family that at the time, I was very close with. I started talking to/dating someone that I had great chemistry with, but was ultimately in a very toxic situation. I was able to walk away from that one, but it still really hurt. I questioned my self worth a lot in 2009, and had to face a lot of emotional trauma I suppressed from my childhood. The pain from 2009 changed me. Then 2015 happened, and that was another devastating year. That was the year my relationship got hit with extremely powerful and negative forces. It was the year we took all the wrong turns. That was also the year I had to face some more extreme emotional scarring from my mother. My relationship with her was shaken, and it’s changed since then. For the better. It was not easy, but it was worth it. In 2017, I was full on depressed. I was full on suicidal. Which, if you have read my previous posts, then you know what I am referring to. Then there’s been this year. 2019. In so many ways, this year has been a culmination of 2009, 2015 and 2017. 2019 tried to kill me. It really did. But hey, its December 31st, and I am still here. Still blogging.
2020 – What’s up next? Healing. First and foremost, I must continue to heal. I do feel I have taken the right steps not just to rebuild myself, but to rebuild with the best, most healthy foundation I have ever had. This year showed me just how strong I am by exposing how I handle feeling and being so weak and helpless at times. I do not have a time frame for when I expect to be healed. But I’ll know its happening once I am able to function like a healthy adult. That means something different for everyone. I know what it means to me. And I’ll be sure to write about it once it happens.
2020 – this next decade, it is all about me. It is about my career. It is about my health. It is about bettering myself so that I can be better for the planet. That relates to what I know my purpose in this life is. I’ve mentioned that I know my purpose in life in previous posts, but I’ve never stated what it is. Trust me, I will soon. But it is my purpose in life that has kept me alive. It does tie into what I prayed to God (which I’m not sure I can ever fully write about), and it does tie into my animals. Sounds weird, I know. But it does all connect, and I know what I am here to do. Which leads to my next goal for 2020 (and for life) – return to veganism. I already picked the date. My birthday next year. I realized the best gift I can give myself is dedication to living a much more honest life, a much more conscious and loving life. Not to mention, a much more healthier life. I’ve already taken many steps towards veganism (mostly all of my meal preps the last two months have been vegan). I am ready to do it for this life this time around.
I’m not sure what else there is to say about this year, or about this decade. If you’ve made it this far in this post – thank you. Your reading and support means so much. And if you’ve made it this far, I am sure you are happy I am concluding this post hehe. I had a lot to write, and I think covered pretty much what needed to be addressed.
I’m entering the new year, the new decade, with intention. I have goals that I need to accomplish. It is because I have intention that I also have a bit of hope. Which as we all know, hope is both a beautiful and dangerous thing. But for as long as I have been alive, I have found a way to have hope. Sometimes it is harder to salvage than others, and sometimes it leaves me for a bit. Thankfully, it always comes back, and I am addicted to it. Hope is my drug. But having intentions and hope for my future seems like a good thing to me.
I hope you all have a happy and safe new year, new decade. I hope to continue to grow and connect with you. I hope you continue to follow and support my journey. I am going to soon start sharing much more of it.
I hope you all have your goals, intentions and hopes set. I hope we all do more than just hope, that we plan and execute accordingly. Life is not going to be gentle with us all or even most of the time, but that does not mean we have to stop being gentle towards each other. Let’s all love and grow this new decade.
See you in 2020.
-Nat
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