After Pride

Hey Friends!

So last week I wrote about attending World Pride in NYC. I wrote about what it meant to be there, what pride month means to me, what the initial riot (which turned into a pride celebration) meant and its legacy now. It was all good things that I wrote and felt. All good. And I still feel those things. I will always feel those things, in my every day life, and especially during each pride month and each pride festival I attend.

Now, let me write about how I was actually feeling last Sunday while attending World Pride. There was a lot going on, but in a word, I felt lonely. I felt beyond isolated. And the pain I was feeling cannot actually be put into words.

To provide some context, I am dealing with a breakup. I was in a relationship for 4.5 years, and it ended a few months ago. The relationship did not end because there was no more love between her and I. On the contrary, there was still such a deep love between us. And for me, it is still there. Anyone that has dealt with a breakup knows that the pain you feel matches the love you have – and so much more. Dealing with the the breakup is an everyday, all day, all consuming fight.

In addition to that, I had attended a work related event the night before. Admittedly, I was looking forward to that event. Why? Because I actually like my coworkers. I get along with my coworkers. I started working at this job a little more than a year ago. And because I am a naturally friendly person, I have made a number of friends at my job. Or least, I believe that I have. Some of the people I really get along with did not attend the event last week. But everyone else that attended – I’m cool with. And yet, I found myself not talking with them during the night. Unless I was the one to attempt the conversation, I was by myself. Many of them have worked together for a few years at this point (and some of them are related – its an interesting dynamic/family tree at my job). But I found it very strange that if I didn’t start a conversation, they were not trying to talk to me. I’m not saying they were (all) rude or anything. No, not at all. Everyone greeted each other and it was a pleasant time. However, that does not change how isolated I actually was and felt during the event. I do not believe any of them intended to do this, I do not believe they are aware of this, and I do not want anyone to take this the wrong way. Perhaps they would perceive it differently. But even if they do, that was still how I felt.

After the event, a few us went to this local LGBTQ lounge. Its a fairly new place, and I had been wanting to check it out for a while. I was excited to finally be going, despite already feeling isolated (on top of the heartbreak). And yeah, I was a third wheel. I went with one couple (who are beautiful and happy together), and another coworker who had her best friend meet us at the lounge. So, on top of feeling on my own at the event, I was now even more alone going to this place. Third wheeling is not fun. And seeing the happy couple (whom I’m very happy for), hurt. It did not hurt because I am bitter, it hurt because…my ex and I were once that happy and adorable together. Now…we’re simply not. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around how we went from that blissfully happy couple to being acquaintances, if you could call it that. Now, despite all I was feeling, it was still a nice time at the lounge. I liked the crowd and the music was ON POINT (its called six26 for any Jersey City/NYC area natives).

I went home that night, and I cried harder than I had cried in a long time. I couldn’t stop or help it. I was drained. And I had to wake up in fives hours to go to pride. Trust me, in no way shape or form did I want to go. In no way shape or form did I think I could even handle pride.

Let me also back up about pride. I attended my first pride parade when I was 19, and I attended pride for six consecutive years. I used to attend with two friends. One of those friends moved across the country a few summers ago, and the other friend…well, she was more my other friend’s friend. She and I lost touch when our mutual friend moved. I have attended pride with two other friends over the years. I have asked all of my friends at one time or another (more than once) if they would like to attend. Those friends have consistently not attended with me. Even though they all know exactly what pride means to me. I took a few years off from attending. Then, I got into a relationship and my girlfriend wanted to attend pride (she had never been to one). So we went in 2015. We went again last summer (2018). We had made plans to attend World Pride together, but for obvious reasons…that did not happen.

With all of that going on in my head and heart, I was not in the mindset to attend or enjoy pride. However, I had ONE friend, a friend that had been reading my tweets over the last few months and knew that I wasn’t okay, reach out to me. He asked where I would watch the parade, so that he would meet up with me with his other friend. I can never adequately tell him or any of you exactly what that meant to me. And I’ll forever be grateful to him. Sadly, I was not able to meet up with him. Which was fully my fault. I underestimated just how packed my normal spot would be. I also did not expect the parade to reach my normal spot as quickly as it did. As a result, I did watch the parade by myself. Again, that was my fault. But being there alone did not help how I was already feeling. Which was heartbroken, isolated and lonely. Trust me, I would not have attended at all. But World Pride was literally about so much more than myself, and I knew I had to go. I was there for as long as I could handle it. After two hours, I went home. I had another breakdown later that night.

I guess I am writing this piece because pride really does mean so much to me – and I had to tell the whole truth about my experience last week. There’s a chance some people might feel a certain way. I do not want anyone to feel anything other than what they were feeling prior to reading this (if they even read it). World Pride was everything it needed to be for all those that attended. That is how I am choosing to look at it.It was beautiful and amazing, painful and suffocating. In a word, it was complicated. I am working hard to change my life and expand my circle. Hopefully, next year I can enjoy pride the way I really want to. Hopefully, my heart won’t be as broken and heavy next year. Hopefully, I’ll see some of you there. Hopefully, you’ll see/spend time with a Nat that has started to heal, forgive and grow.

Hopefully, pride won’t just be something I attend next year – but something I experience with a heart and mind that can fully embrace all the beauty and love the world has to offer.

I’ll see you at the next pride 🙂