Thank you, and I am sorry.

Hey Friends!

So, something interesting happened since I posted last week, people actually reached out to me. I use the word interesting when really I mean unexpected. I share on social media whenever I post a new blog entry, but I don’t have the clout/reach to have many views let alone readers. Therefore, I am always surprised and beyond thankful for anyone that actually takes the time to read what I write – and then respond to what I have written. And the responses I have gotten the past week have been beautiful. They have also been from people unexpected. Which makes them that much more touching to me. They aren’t coming from my closest friends or family. They are coming from coworkers, people I have met less than a handful of times, and even people that I am no longer close with due to life and distance. To you, you all know who you are – thank you.

After I published last week’s post, a fair amount of anxiety fell on me. For the first time, I didn’t just write about goals/checking in. I actually wrote about experiences and feelings I am currently living with. They are not past tense. I was vulnerable with you all, and I did not know what to expect. What ended up happening was people checking in on me daily, asking me if I were okay and if I want/need to talk. What happened, was people that I haven’t really spoken to in a long time reaching out to me. What happened, was people thinking of me to join them for dinner. And you know what? I didn’t quite know how to take it. Did they mean it? Or were they only reaching out for a fleeting moment after reading what I shared last week. This is what I have decided, it does not matter why, only that they did it. So again, thank you.

Now let me apologize. I am sorry. I am sorry to all of you that I did not respond to. Sadly, I’m not used to people checking in on me. In fact, I am used to sharing things and people paying it absolutely no mind. I’m used to just being background noise. So for people to actually hear me and let me know they hear me – whoa. I don’t actually know how to deal with that just yet. Also, I am not comfortable with discussing how I actually feel about almost anything face to face. I am very good at articulating how I think and feel – in writing. The pen/paper or keyboard/screen is my buffer. This was a major issue in my relationship. I communicate best through writing, and she communicates vocally. I struggle immensely with that. I can listen to anybody speak about how they feel and think. And I really do listen. But, do not expect me to respond with what I think and feel vocally. It will not happen. I need to marinate everything, and then I need to write it out. So for those of you that asked me to my face how I was doing – I’m sorry I responded in a way that is was not really truthful. You deserve the truth, but I do not know how to “say” what I feel. Also, I feel so much, that if I were to even attempt to speak about it, I would completely break down. And no one really wants that. I also want you to know that I do not want you to stop checking in on me. I am hoping I can connect with all of you now on a much deeper level than before. I am rebuilding myself, and it’s a very painful and daunting journey. But I have faith that it will make me stronger and better than I was before – and I want to share that Nat with you.

Just to wrap up this post, I cannot tell you how much I have appreciated you all this week. In so many ways, I feel undeserving. And that is something I will write about in a future post. But that isn’t true. We are all deserving of being checked in on. We are all deserving of knowing that we have people that care about us. I am part of that “we are all”, and that is something I have to keep reminding myself of. I, we, are all deserving of it. I, we, are also in need of it. I owe so much to all of you that showed me that I too am deserving of care.

Again, I am sorry, and thank you.